Control control.

(no subject)

It finally happened. Robbie and I broke up. It happened last Friday around 9pm. He drove down to San Marcos to tell me that he couldn't do it anymore. That it was over.

At first I was devastated. I pleaded with him, begged him, and try to convince him to change his mind. I didn't want to lose my best friend. Someone who has been very important to me for the past 6 years of my life.

He told me that he didn't think that we were compatible long term, that he needed someone that didn't have a such a short fused temper, and that he was no longer in love with me. He told me that this wasn't him breaking up with me, it was a mutual decision. That I had been thinking about this just as much as him and that he was just doing it first.

I was a mess. He stayed the night and we cuddled. I silently sobbed into his arm, getting his chest soaking wet. In the morning I woke up early to watch him sleep just a little bit more. Tears rolled down my face and I held my breath as not to wake him. He heard me stir and he woke up. I broke down once more and started to say "that was our last night together, our last memory". He reassured me that it was the last memory he would have of me.

When he left we hugged each other, told each other that we loved one another, and kissed. We kissed a prolonging kiss that seemed to last for hours. We love, respect, and like each other but we couldn't do this anymore.

That was 5 days ago. In those 5 days I have though constantly of everything that was said in that conversation. I re-evaluated the past few months of our relationship and came to a conclusion. He's right. He's absolutely right. We shouldn't be together. We're not compatible long term.

When I was pleading with him he asked me why do I wait til the very last moment to be so exposed, soft, considerate, and loving? He said that he needed affection like he needed water. That it wasn't just about doing things each other it was about being generally nice to one another.

That made me think. Almost every time I would try to talk sweet to him like "I really missed you this week" or "I really like the way you make me feel" he would turn it into a joke or a missed opportunity. I was trying to make a moment and more times then not he wouldn't understand what was happening. It was mainly me who pushed for us to do things together, to try to plan for trips or suggest going camping. He hardly did those things. This how it was constantly through our relationship.

We talked a lot about what he needed out of relationship during those last hours spent together. He would then say that he couldn't give me the things that I wanted or I deserved. For the past 2 years I have been pushing us to get more committed to each other and become one. Everything we did we did separately. 6 years together and our entire lives are still our own. I would give him ultimatums saying that he had to ask me to marry him by the end of the year or I was gone. In retrospect I know exactly what I was doing. During the past 2-3 years a lot of my friends have gotten married and had babies. I saw their happiness and their joy and their commitment and I really wanted that. I really wanted the happiness and their joy. I wanted to feel as loved as they felt to each other. Being a relationship for 6 years I thought thats what I wanted. I did not want to get married, let alone to Robbie, I just wanted to feel that love.

In the end I know that Robbie and I tried everything we knew how to do to save our relationship. Knowing that makes this just a tad bit easier.
Control control.

(no subject)

I constantly day dream of being a vagabond again. Sitting atop mountain ridges with the uttermost content as the sun sets in the next valley. Traveling from one town to the next with no understanding of the local dialect. Slowly learning, moving, and choosing where to be. Living on an island for another month where there's nothing but a coral reef, books, and one meal a day to keep you company.

These days are soon to come back. Just need to hold my breath for another few years.
Mind lover

(no subject)

Why am I so obsessive?

I can't work on the things I need to or get anything organized until I get my room situated the way I want it. The thing is so damn big that I can't figure out how the hell I am going to do it. Which adds stress and hours of staring at the space until an idea hits me. I've been searching the interwebs for things that I cannot possibly afford. Passing ideas through my brains eye until a moment of clarity.

San Marcos' thrift stores are complete shit and are way over priced. However, I found a used furniture store that I am going to go to tomorrow that looks somewhat promising. Wont hold my breath but will stay positive about the whole thing.

This semester looks like it's going to be a tough one for sure: ecology, wildlife management techniques, biology conservative resources, herpetology and undergraduate research. Not to mention the work that I will be doing as a TA (teacher's assistant) for plant ecology/intro to biology, the news anchor position at KTSW 89.9, leading two backpacking trips this semester and also traveling out to the Christmas Mountains every 2 months for that grant proposal that I got a few weeks back.

Needless to say (ironically I've been saying that a lot lately) I need to get my shit in order at my house before the semester starts next week. If I get organized and stay that way then everything will run smoothly.

NOW an idea hits me: 1:19 AM and I already filled up all my bookshelves.
HC super star

(no subject)

Looks like I am making the move from Austin to San Marcos in the next month. Been dreading it for a while, but I know I need to move down there to focus on my last year of classes.

In two weeks the count down will start for when I graduate. One more year and 11 more courses. Then what? THEN WHAT? Oh, apply to another school. Start another program. Dedicate my life to another cause. In 2 weeks it will be 3.5 years until I have my masters. Getting close my darlings. Getting very very close. TO WHAT? TO WHAT? I have no clue. Just closer to the goal that I promised to myself I would accomplish. Growth in knowledge.

Rob and I are still dating. We've gotten to a very comfortable place. I know that our relationship is strong enough to last through a year of commuting see each other. As long as we both communicate and have realistic expectations there should be no problem. Which reminds me I need to talk to him about me moving down here.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
Control control.

(no subject)

I got accepted to Texas State University for Bachelors of Science of Wildlife Biology.

Here's the course break down:
Wildlife Management


Techniques in Wildlife Management


Natural History of the Vertebrates


General Entomology



Wildlife Diseases

Field Biology of Plants

Plant Taxonomy

General Ecology


Fire Ecology


Wildlife Biology

Natural History and Conservation of Large Mammals

Statistics and Experimental Design for Biologists I

Statistics and Experimental Design for Biologists II

Wildlife and Recreation: Impact and Management

Control control.

(no subject)

Well, well.. look at you live journal. You are still here and I forget all about you.

Where did I leave of last? Who knows. I left off some where in Victoria, some where south of Sydney. Was it in Tasmania? Let me catch you up.

Went to Tasmania. IT WAS AMAZING. One of the most amazing places on the entire face of the earth. The mountains, the trees that don't shed their leaves but their bark, seeing a platypus in the wild, petting a wild possum, camping in the cradel of the mother, hiking for hours to find a small little lake tucked away in a field of blossoms. AMAZING, in short.

I wish I had spent months there exploring, camping, and hiking in that forgotten land.

Then got back to Melbourne, rented another car, drove down what the locals called the Great Ocean road. When compared to the Valley of the Giants on the West Coast, Valley of the Giants wins hands down. Good news was that we went to a koala party. There about 5 lil' guys hanging up in the trees with their noses pointed down on us.

Left Melbs a few days after, stayed over night in the airport with a bottle of Johnny Walker whiskey and tuna.

Now I am chilling in this beach town called Bryon Bay for the next few weeks. Going to go camp in the rainforest and climb a mountain. Eat some more tuna and call it a week. After this, not sure.

We'll see. That is my life. Over and out